Thursday, November 21, 2013

Update

Short and simple
Hugh, my brother- his treatment did not take. Infact his cancer has spread and is very aggressive.
Surgery would do more harm than good
He made his doctor put him back on the drug he started out on at a very high dose, right now he is extremely sick due to side effects.
But due to the fact that he is such a fighter, I have hope.
That is all.
Please pray, thanks
Holley

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

November is the month, purple is the color.


Two different causes, same month, same ribbon color, shared by brother and sister.

For some time now I've been raising awareness for my own affliction, Epilepsy. Recently my family received news that the new treatment the doctors put my brother on, didn't work. Every side effect listed on that little pamphlet you are given at the pharmacy, or maybe it comes with your medicine bottle, well my brother got all of them, awful! But what you may not know about my brother is I think my mother slipped that boy some kryptonite in his baby bottle, he is tough stuff!!!
 So they told him they could not do another round of treatment following this 2nd one he was abt to start. (Too dangerous- drug was very toxic) 
So, if this round of treatment doesn't work.... It has to work there is just no other way. God has my big brother in his hands, and my trust is in God!


Back to my point, y'all know I digress big time. Ok so I'm online looking up stuff for epilepsy awareness... When I stumble upon the first picture below.*
I looked at my sister and said,"Katie, your  never gonna believe this shit but guess what?"
She was half asleep ( whoopsie)," this better be good"
"ok, how about GIST Awareness month is in November"
"Good stuff." - lil miss sarcasm
But thats not all nugget (nickname)...their color is purple!!!! 
"Oh cool" (sincere..haha)
Now tell me that just don't blow your skirt up! Haha I know y'all are jumping up and down doing cartwheels and busting out with some sweet snoopy moves! Bahahaha!
My thought, as she zonked back out, was...how cool is it that I get to share that this with him? Even though I know without a doubt he won't give two shits about it, I do and it's kinda like my private little bond. Although I did tell him. I didn't have to say much just that I came across it and told him the month and color and smiled he gave me his crooked smile. And the man if many words said, ain't that some shit bet that tinkled you pink. No, I would rather share good health so no... But I will raise awareness for this rare cancer that needs more treatments and needs to be brought to attention so people are t misdiagnosed, and so it will be better funded by hospitals.
And in memory of my dear friend,Kat, who had epilepsy and GIST, I can now be an advocate for both who are in desperate need of awareness.
GI Stromal (GIST) is a rare form of cancer, this article can tell you more of what it is, and the second section tells a bit more about my brother who is in this unfortunate category.;

SECTION 1:
Gastrointestinal stromal tumor (GIST) is a rare cancer affecting the digestive tract or nearby structures within the abdomen. GI stromal tumor, or GIST cancer, is a sarcoma. Sarcomas are cancers that grow from cells of the body’s connective or supportive tissues such as bone, cartilage, tendons, nerves, fat, muscle, synovial tissue (tissue around joints), or blood vessels. (Most cancers are carcinomas, not sarcomas.)
 
GIST cancers arise either from cells called Interstitial Cells of Cajal (ICCs) or from less differentiated stem cells or precursor cells that can develop into ICCs. The ICCs are known as “pacemaker cells of the gut” because they send signals to trigger peristalsis, the digestive tract’s muscular contractions that move food along its course. 

SECTION 2:
Cancer is most threatening when it metastasizes or spreads to additional locations beyond the primary tumor site. In GIST the most common sites for metastasis are the liver (<HUGH) and the abdominal membranes (peritoneum, mesentery, omentum). GIST rarely spreads to lymph nodes, but it may occasionally affect local abdominal lymph nodes. Unusual sites of metastasis include lung (<)and bone tissue and muscle tissue.

In conclusion, I need prayers for my brother more so now than ever. Also, I get to share my awareness month and color with my big brother! How neat-o is that?
I guess I better get more ribbon this year!!!!

If you want to help raise awareness too, all you have to do is post something on your Facebook page. I will post another post with links to pages where you can get some cool pictures with great info and please tell everyone to share.
I will be raising awareness not just for Epilepsy but for GIST as well. 

Thanks for reading! 
Please don't be afraid to leave a comment just to say hi or to give some feedback.
Much πŸ’œ & May God bless you all!
Holley

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

My Sister by Heart



Dedicated to:
Chase Everette 

One day a eccentric soul was birthed. 
A nature lovin, tree huggin, one with mother earth. 
She's a rare soul of beauty Devine, she carries it inside and through her pores her outter beauty shines!
She's loyal and true, without a doubt in my mind, she's the rarest of rares, the kind of gem you can't define, it's value is priceless & always will be. 
To be blessed, I am, to have the blessing of friendship, of a sisterhood undefined, of two souls so connected, that the moon shined its loving light upon us, the pixies, faeries, the trees all dance in joy and delight on a starlit night. 
How does one thank thee for being in this world?
Love.
I love you, I give you my unconditional love.
A love between two sisters by heart, is indescribable yet amazing. It fills your heart with warmth and hope and all things good. Filling you with an extra inner light that we feed off one another. It's just so much words are simply not adequate so I simply say to you ....

On the day that you were born, this world became a brighter place. 
The joy, laughter and light that you gave.
The lives you touched and changed forever, your selfless act of love by giving the most priceless gift, your time, to those less fortunate than you.
After the darkness of the unfortunate accident that happened to you, you overcame. Your strength infected so many others. Still, you always put others before yourself. You were what this world needs more of.
Throughout all the darkness your light was bright as a starlit night,  or a cloudless sunshiny day.
Either way, it was you that passed this gift on to so many. Especially, the beautiful bright life that you brought into this world, the little girl who was not just your sunrise, sunset, a starlit sky with the most beautiful moon, Cali Mist was your entire world. She made you glow inside and out, your love, your life, through struggles and strifes she made you shine. No words could describe the bond you both had and will always have. She is the gift of you, that you left behind for us, so even though your time on earth is gone...we can still see you through her eyes and you are still bringing smiles to those who miss you dearly.
I felt my world fell apart when you left this life, but I was comforted by knowing your crazy butt is dancin, jumpin, running around with Bob & Jim.. That alone puts the biggest smile on my face!
I am at comfort with your passing now, and I hope I've made you proud by keeping your memory alive through my favorite memories of you. ( the funny ones) 
The special times we shared I selfishly keep and hold those in my heart. Our all night conversations, our craft sessions. Ok, one that I'll share and will forever make me laugh is when you were having back spasms, I had an aura all day but didn't think much of it until we got to the car, when it strengthened. You asked me if I could drive, just to get us out of the parking lot. I finally told you what was going on. So you got in the car and simultaneously your back spasm kicks off as does my seizure and our legs looked identical! You reached over squeazed my thigh muscle and it stopped, well the spasm did, not the seizure. That day I learned something and as long as I'm having seizures, I always do that. Granted it doesn't always work but I'm forever in debt for that one. Think of all the times I could've busted my ass!
Yeah, I know you'd be laughing your ass off, and that's why I love ya... I miss your laugh so much.
I will never forget the "just say no lesson" you gave all the gawkers in Blue Planet, one night when I had a seizure. I wanted to laugh my butt off at the same time, I wanted to strangle you, I ended up going with a deep appreciation for what you did, knowing how embarrassing it was... You turned it into the best part of the night. A story forever to be told. A memory forever cherished because I am the most blessed girl in the world, to say that's my best friend!  I loved that witty attitude that was genius that night! They actually believed I had done drugs and here you are telling them," just say no" or ya know... Pointing at me, doing your damnedest to keep a straight face. Telling them, " See what drugs do, people...just say no! Look at my friend you will end up like her" And you were trying your damnedest NOT to laugh ( i love when you did that). I am so thankful that the seizure kept me from being able to talk..because then I wouldnt have this memory that makes me laugh everysingle time I tell it!
You are the greatest friend anyone could ever be so blessed to have! Thanks for being my wheels!
God, I miss you! 
I Feel as if you are still with me, when I talk to you. I know you are in my midst, sisters by heart, we will never be apart.
Thank you for being so very true, for no one could ever compare to you my friend. For that and so much more my love shall never ever end.
I will see you again, my friend, until then....
Much love ❤ sent from here on Earth to you up above!
Love,
Holley "turtle"
AKA- your legs:)

H.M.R©2013

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Thanks

I just want to take a quick second and thank you for reading my blog, feel free to comment at the bottom of each post, your feedback is important to me. Thanks again and have a blessed day!
Holley



Saturday, August 31, 2013

Out of the Dark

Sadness came over her
Like curtains drawn to a dark room.
Her new best friends had become
Mr. Doom and Ms. Gloom.

Where was the girl she used to be?
The one so strong, who stood tall, the one who was always happy? 

Why is she standing on the edge of defeat?
Why is she constantly looking for the eject seat?

This was a woman. A woman who would never let a man do her wrong.
She walked with her head held high, happiness glowing in her eyes.
She walked with purpose, to her own beat, tippity tap goes those happy feet.
Now, now she cannot even stand upon those two feet, no more tippity tappity. No more happy.

Control has wrapped around her like a snake, feeling like a beautiful butterfly trapped in a jar...
Will she ever escape from its hold, will the lid unscrew? 
This was her secret, for no one knew.

It began to break her down, all she wore was a frown. Something so strange to her, something uncomfortable like itchy wool.

It took one single thing...
A tragedy.
A flash before her eyes.
A menace to society,
To make her awaken, to see the path her life had taken.

Now she sees the light,
for she stepped out of the dark.
Her new life will now start.

Still a little empty inside,
Yet gaining that pep in her stride.
Happiness is only within arms reach...
And she is no longer on the edge of defeat.

She sees a new beginning, a grateful ending...
Thanking God for giving her the sight to see.
Thanking Him for so many blessings.

Troubles come and troubles go...
But it's through troubles in which we grow.

What our future holds, is not to be known
That's why we live for today, not once looking the other way.

She's enjoying her life moment by moment
And by each passing day a bit of healing comes her way.
With God walking by her side for always and forever...
The past is just a floating feather.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* written a little bit after I left a pretty rough marriage. 
I'm much better today. It's weird when you think the scars will remain, the fear will always be near then one day, you wake up on your own two feet a new woman. You'll never be the same, but you don't want to be. Trials and tribulations are what make us grow. So I'm stronger for having gone through what I did, and I still see the beauty life has to give. Never will I allow someone to take that from me.
Thank you for reading :)
Holley 



Sunday, August 18, 2013

A little bit of a lot

Hello friends,  
I know  I've been slacking on my blog, but I'm back!
Way too much crap has happened to type in one entry. So we will get to the heavy shit later.
 This may include a bit of heavy, but it's nothing new. My brother recently got some pretty bad news, he has cancer of the GI tract and at the same time I had my relapse with the E, he had surgery. Leaving him with two microscopic tumors that his medicine should of shrunk. He felt fine, was doing great, he's a jack of all trades and can do nearly anything, he lives in a trailer that look better that some of these upscale homes all because of his hands and that beautiful brain of his. He always sees room for improvement, always has a project in his head. And his kids, you would pay to have kids like his.
So for his cancer to spread, for his gastro intestinal region to be filled with tumors has hit me hard. 
You see I love my big brother, I have always looked up to him, but somewhere down the line there has become a riff between us. I know I am different, we are like oil and water, but at one time in our lives he was my best friend. And I was the only girl allowed in the neighborhood fort... That I helped build and was the coolest fort ever! He taught me how to ride a bike, gave me his Tony Hawk skate board, when he got his Lance Mountain. Even went with me to get my neon pink wheels, and approved of my new hair cut after mom took me, told me it was a totally skater cut. ( made this girl fly up to cloud 9,999,999,999 ... You get my point. He was and has always been my world.
But the past two times I saw him he didn't speak to me, in fact once he gave my sister a hug right in front of me then stuck out his hand like some immature ass. Is it bc we have always been close and this is just as hard for him to? I don't know but it hurts.
When Nic Cage came in town to film a movie with Danny Glover,  I got pics with him, he had epilepsy and Hugh knew how I'd always wanted to meet him. I was excited. So, at exactly 8:41pm I sent him the pics, the next morning I got torn a new one because he didn't get them until a Lil after midnight waking up his wife.I can't do anything about them coming at 12. I'm sry y'all were awoken by that but what am i to do?
Well he kept on just reeming my ass out, until I couldn't take it any longer. I said my peace. Of course he told mom a different story so my side never was heard,he was right and I was wrong. He hasn't spoken to me since.
My mom sucks a fat (d---)!!!
Too dramatic for me!
So that brings me back to today. When I need therapy, I either write or I paint, well after having to hold my emotions in bc God forbid I let them go at any given time. Mom will nip that in the bud. I got my canvas slammed my doors pulled out my bins got my brush box( yup got a personalized brush box) and I went to town. Of course my door was reopened by my sister bc I have a window unit that goes straight into her room. Well take the fucker out and put it in your window instead of making my room, which is the size of a walk in closet, a full sized bed barely fits in, needless to say this bitch is cramped! Poor AnnaBelle just wanted to hang out with her mom and I was in the way of her crate. So not only did katie have to adjust the air but move AnnaBelle for me.
Here's the thing and my sister gets it, she said," its gonna be ok, I know that's why your painting", I told her I just couldn't go there but thanks for realizing that and understanding, means a lot.
My mom does not get that when I paint, I'm in my zone, in a whole different dimension, I do not stop in midst of painting ( I'm typically covered up to elbows, unknowingly) I'm sure she'd love cerulean blue on her white couches.
Secondly, it's inconsiderate to disrupt an artist at work, when you have some idea going, another pops up and this happens repetively...( wheels are turning). This is a great day for artists to keep that flow going. I don't want to be disturbed! The main reason I started painting is to deal with my emotions, wanna know the crazy thing? I was going for a textured abstract and saw an angel. I guess in a cosmic or God winkin kind of way that is a sign. A sign of HOPE.
So my painting came out better than I thought it would, maybe because the tears spilled on it gave it that extra umph haha.
Here's another weird Lil fact: when my brother was first diagnosed we saw a miracle. We thought cancer had my brother and had him good. Well the surgeon wanted to do an exploratory surgery to see without a scan if these tumors had shrunk. We were promised nothing, only they were just going to open him up for a look.
44 minutes later Dr. Thompson came out with this shit eatin grin and said to his wife mainly " well we got them and are sending them to MD Anderson" my sister in law I have rarely seen cry! But she had tears running down her face and quizzically asks,"all of them? All 15- to -16 tumors?" he replied," we sent 20 tumors to MD Anderson. My Daddy who I rarely have seen cry, shit, everyone in that room was crying then all you could hear we're Amens and thank you'd and hugs all around, if I would describe euphoria, it'd be that day.
Then I'm walkin into Lowes I get a phone call( from my brother) I wait before I walk in and I hear well your gonna be an aunt again... I think everyone turned to look when I said" hot Dayumn! A miracle baby. Tripp ( Thomas Hugh Reese Iii) was 3 months old when Hugh called, I had been painting and just finished a painting lesson, he was building a deck. I painted in tears what I call my angry painting. Weird thing is, everyone is drawn to it, when I despise it.
But his kids, Tripp especially.. That's his Lil tag along mini me. They are so cute, when my brother mows the lawn on his riding lawn mower Tripp follows on his little kiddie 4-wheeler! It's a riot. He says and can imitate my  brother better than I can, or any of his other sons, we are quite amazed. He has 4 boys, one from high school, Brandon who just turned 20 not long ago, Daniel who just became a teenager-13, Aaron who is 10, and Tripp who is 4 going on 30. Haha!
I live my nephews, I live my brother, but I hate cancer when I was 14 mom had it, my sister was 2, I'm gonna make a great mom one day, lol I wouldn't take that back for the world, the cancer, sure, but being as close as I was with Katie
Then my Daddy got it, he hid it from me all through my wedding preparations and thru the wedding on the second to last day of our honeymoon we got back ( because we left our phones duh) and both were blown up with phone calls and messages. I hate voice mail so I had deactivated mine but his was jam packed. It was made out to be like an emergency that dad had been in some serious thing. So all the worst senarios run thru your head.
Did it have to be so urgent? No. So dramatic,.,, omg hell no! Did I have to get hit with a double whammy? By her telling me one of my dearest cousins had died as well.
It's been a rough ride with the big C, I've lost a dear, good friend to this monster. She had stage 4 EHE, a rare form, but lived years longer than what they gave her.
I lost another friend who not only had epilepsy but stage 4 of the same type of cancer my brother has. She said she would rather have the cancer any day over epilepsy. That just baffled me!
This girl lived everyday as if it were her last, she lived life to the extreme fullest and did not let her afflictions get the best of her.
In the end, life is too short to be unhappy. You have to find what makes you happy and do it. You have to forget your past, it is now in the history book of you, don't look forward for what lays ahead is meant to be unknow, if we live in the past or constantly look ahead, we are missing the right now. Big things could be happening in the right now. 
So live life for today, for this moment. Walk away from reading this blog and feel blessed because you and I know that their is so much more to my story, but God knows my strength and gives me only what I can handle.
God Bless you all! 
πŸ’œ- Holley

Saturday, April 20, 2013

In a sleepless hell

I can't sleep.. Err! Tried weening off stupid medication bc I hate the amounts I have to take now.
I know I'm getting 30+ long overdue answers, but I'm getting other stuff along the way, and it's beginning to scare me. Hell, having my ribs cracked? Oh lawd let's hope for the other option on that one. Lupus or sarcoidosis and top it off with pulmonary fibrosis, that has no explanation for. But whatever this is I have may have been the root of me having epilepsy among everything else I get blessed with.
I just wanna breathe, with answers, and a treatment plan. If God thinks I can handle this then I have no other choice but to take it like a champ. But I'm ready for the unknown to be uncovered. So I can process this information overload. And perhaps sleep without a hundred things running through my mind. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't afraid but a part of me is also hopeful.
I don't know why I'm telling the world of my woes. But I guess I just couldn't sleep and
Here I am, telling you everything....
I just want to feel better, I want to sleep well, I want all of this health nightmare to be over and done with!
Love to whoever reads,
Holley

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Days Pass Me By- a poem

Days pass me by
Whereas nights seem to last so long
I'm a little nocturnal Seizin gal
By day I'm a fatigued, no energy, lifeless me
I know this isn't the way things were meant to be.
I try to be upbeat
But when everything surrounding me cant support my decisions, or when doctors let you down
You feel defeated.
So days pass me by....Life is short and I feel as if I'm losing time... As I sit by and wait for something better to come my way.
I can no longer live this way, things must change.

©H.Reese2013



Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dumb shit doc

So I'm uber pissed today bc my dr doesn't hear me. I'm not much better, yes I'm not having 20 seizures a day but what you don't understand is any seizure is bad. Even if is just one or two I am not supposed to be having any! My meds are not controlling my seizures and I'm on a shitload of medicine!
I want the option of another opinion but he keeps shooting me down. I feel like this isn't going anywhere, that this isn't getting any better. I'm optimistic, but he keeps bringing me further and further down.
Treatment plans started out to be amazing now I'm being told there isn't anything right now.
I feel so defeated. I cannot live this way I refuse to!
This isn't how my life was mapped out for me. I'm too outgoing, too smart, and have way too much potential then to just sit and rot. And that's how I feel I've been living. No more! I'm sick an tired, I may not be able to change certain things but I can damn sure change myself. And that's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm tired of being told,"I can't", when I hear myself say"how can I".
I am so mad but I'm determined. I'm fighting and in the end I will win!
Cause that's how I shake, rattle and roll:)
Much Love
Holley

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Life

Some things are passed down from the wisest people I know, my late grandmother and my dad. The rest is from yours truly, lessons I learned the hard way. I wish I paid attention when I was younger. This is a very short version of a few lessons learned.


Holley's advice for life. (I may add a part 2.. We shall see)

We live our lives as the next moment is promised to us, taking advantage of each and every moment.  
Think about the moment you are taking to read this, (thanks by the way) after you've read it, the moments it took to read it are gone. You may think it was a waste of time, but it's your time and you made a choice to read this entry, using your daily allotted moments given to you. There is no refund policy, once you have used them they are gone.
So chose wisely. 
With that said, if your moment, your tomorrow never came; how would you say you lived your life?
Did you live it the fullest, really, be honest?
Would you be satisfied in the legend you leave behind?
What kind of impression would you have left of yourself?
Is it one you are proud of? (it's only your opinion that truly matters here)?
Would others speak on how you really knew how to enjoy life and make the most of it? Even through times of good and bad?
We forget how unpredictable life can be.
How in one moment you're talking to a friend or relative, then the next they're gone.
There is always that one last thing you wanted to say. If I had to pick two they'd be:
1) that you meant something not just to me but many Iives you have touched. I'm honored to be one. 
2) Thank you for being such a good friend to me, for always being there, in good times and in bad... You will live in my heart for eternity because my love for you is that strong.
I've dealt with loss, too many times. I think and pray for them daily. I pray for their families as well.
We have to make the most of every day, live moment by moment. Not letting a single one slip by.
Stay in touch with friends, especially those you know who could use one.
You matter, people matter, and friends are a blessing, so don't throw them away. 
Always speak kind words. And love you for who you are because you are special, unique, and kind. I believe those traits are in us all, it's up to you to bring them to life. Bring the positive, leave the negative behind. Let's look forward a better you and a better me.
H.Reese©

Flu Who

I really do not remember writing this, but I found it on my notepad... That's whatcha get when your sick and pumped up on meds on top of epilepsy meds.... Whoa war horse no writing for you!
It did make me laugh though :)


Flu who
Boo on the flu
So sick of stuffy and runny
Cough get off
Up chuck, what the f--k?
Nauseated, and a headache to boot, all the meds I carry out my pharmacy... Looking like I got my loot.
Lil illness, you are no fun
Maybe you are just a bug
Well go creep under a rug
My body doesn't like like you
Your eviction notice is overdue
I'm sick. I'm tired.
I'm sick and tired of the flu.
Stuffy, runny, head and chest congestion, upchucks, nausea, cough, and phlegm, be gone all of them.
Can I just catch a break, and enjoy the good times, ride my happy wave.
Not feeling as if one foot is tinkering above my grave.
A bed decorated by tissues, a girl with bags under her eyes so deep I could pack away for a weekend get-a-way, my nose looking like a raw rudolph's red one , chapped face, lips on fire, ears stopped up so bad that I almost bought the whisper 2000!
So lookie here Mr. Bug, Mr. Bronchitis, Mr. Severe sinunitus, Lil infection too, and now my new found pal Mr Upchuck and his gal Lil Ms Nausea ( bitch).
You all got your notice, it's long over due, get the fuck out bc I'm so over dealing with you.
Off my soapbox now. But just thought I'd share.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Happy Holley reporting to your punk asses here sayin "GET OFF MUH CLOUD!"

What's up ery'body?
I will tell you wtf is up, are ya ready fer it tho? ....... Wait, I need a motha funkin drum roll so in your pretty little heads play that drum roll yo!!!
.....................sooooooooooooooooo
It
Has
Been
An
Entire
WEEK, Yes I said WEEK MY PRETTY PEOPLE!
Since your friend Holleywood, Holleyturtle, or just Holley....
Has been seizie free.... No mofrackin shakes for 7 whole days! Praise God for the break!
I mean I know I needed to workout but I would much rather run around the block not be told I can't run around the block, bullshit!
Watch me run foo! Can't isn't in my vocab.
But 7 frickin days! Wow! I feel amazing!
It's funny the things we take for granted. I was fine one minute, I had my vns my meds, and had been seizie free for yrs then SHAZAM! My whole life changed.
No driving, awesome that means no life. Let's be honest, nobody wants to pick your ass up, even if you live on the same street. And that's sad, because we are in our mid to late 30's to be acting selfishly. But go on with your bad selves.
I never minded picking up people, I guess because I knew what it was like.
But even showers you can't take one without someone being home, oh and any of my friends with kids don't want me around afraid I may scare them. Well teach them, they need to know, and thanks for making me feel like I have leprosy not epilepsy.
I'm not contagious, it's not a disease. If you ever saw me have one all you would have to do is: move anything out of the way that might hurt me
Cushion my head
And after its over turn my body on its side especially my head. What you would NOT EVER FRICKIN DO: put crap in my dang mouth- its a myth that whole swallowing your tongue shit. " oh yeah I did that once quite tasty" yeah not happenin
And DO NOT hold my ass down I ain't goin anywhere and you are fucking up my muscle spasm which is gonna make me call you very nasty names the next day when I can barely move bc my mucked are pulled and sore as shit.
So that's basically Holley's version of seizure first aid, I do hope you enjoyed that little lesson and If you have any questions or comments, well guess what? There is just a special little place for you right underneath this here blog. How about that? You are frickin special sunshine!
Hahaha
I missed my happy lil self! Hahaha oh well I'm gonna be about as pissed as a bull lookin at a red cape, when my happy days end, but I have hope for more. I just have to go rip my doc a new one because that fool didn't hear a word I said! He's about to hear your fired f'er! Shit, this is my brain not a toy and he wants to put a device that the FDA hasn't even approved but in a few states because of some glitches it had and it caused bleeding in the brain in some patients.... Ha flippin ha dipwad! I read medical journals.... I AM NO FOOL! Ugh just pisses me off but not gonna knock me off my happy cloud. No he got told via email I was highly condescending, but I was mad.
Then I had to go to my family practitioner I have severe sinunitus with infection and because I waited a wee bit to get to the doc it moved into my chest. But I'm lucky, I'm told bc if I waited any longer I would've ended up with pneumonia ... Been there done that and took me a year to gain the weight back. No thanks, I like my bootay:). Besides it sounds like a duck when I blow my nose which makes me giggle, no one knew that until now. But next time you catch a cold or whatever blow your honker and see if you don't smile! Makes being a wittle under da wedder a wittle better. Haha
Tomorrow my brother is bringing his get-a-long gang ( family) to see how bad my aunts house was hit by the tornado before they bulldoze the sucker. Pictures and seeing it on the news do not do it justice. She is a walking miracle. It amazes me how an EF2 they say did that to a brick home that was in good shape.
Changing subject mucinex full force nasal spray..... The frickin shit! Remember that!
Ok back to the house that blew away. It's nuckity futs! That's all. Just daaaaayumn! Same thing when I saw Murphy! That was heartbreaking too.
My cousin, Hays is gonna buy one of the three lots they will get out of it. That was his home for so long I can understand not wanting to leave. Plus he's getting out on his own which is great! I think his brother is gonna buy the other. I think that's just cool.
So happy Holley better get some more sleep before I wake at the crack of ass.
Pardon my potty mouth, eh my blog il cuss.
Much love and God bless!
Holley & AnnaBelle

( she caused most of my typos, she has to be in the middle of everything. One day I'm gonna walk in and find her texting someone...lol)





Thursday, January 10, 2013

Oh Happy, helluva non stop energizer bunny day!

Yes, I used the word energy, a word I had forgotten for quite some time. But i haven't had the shakes in 5 days!!!!!!!!
Oh my dayum, I didn't even realize this until my brother asked me how I was feeling. It all of the sudden hit me, I have him to thank for that, and I'm kinda glad it was him. Makes it a lil bit special.
So we've been cleaning up the mess left from the tornado, there is still so much left to do.
My brother, Hugh, is getting bricks for his home, he's gonna brick a sidewalk and underneath his trailer. My brother has a trailer that looks like a house, a beautiful front porch with a deck. He can build anything! He has a shed that's huge even has a loft in it, he added a leanto on both sides one for his camper the other for his tractor. He has 4 acres of land and he has made the very best of every inch! He amazes me!
So I have been helping him load bricks for the past two days, and back at it tomorrow. Inbetween all that is loading and unloading of my aunts things, today we were in a mad dash to unload due to the weather. Then it was on to load some bricks... I like demo, can I just tell you that. I mean seriously, that shit is therapy! Well except when the bricks fall and scrape your legs leaving a beautiful mark! Ha! Oh well, battle wounds... Lol
Anne had me doing stuff in the back yard and I can't lie that was like a darn treasure hunt!
Finally came home and still was non stop in-between sweeping up dog hair, now that 5 dogs reside here at the Tornado Inn and laundry, cleaning up after people who forgot how to rinse and put a dish in the dishwasher! Needless to say its been bit of a mad house here! 3 little bitty dogs and a black lab and chow/lab mix... It's one wacky combo! Did I mention 5 ppl are sharing one shower? Oh my dayum yes mayum!
So this is my life right now, but I'm not complaining about all the things I've been doing...... I AM FRICKIN AMAZED!!!
Never do I ever have this much energy! I didn't realize it, didn't know why I felt so energetic, and to top it off I've had a cold from hell! I usually have shakes when I am sick! But no, not at all, not in 5 whole days!!!
Do you know when the last time I went five days? May or June, can't remember... Which one but still, this is damn near .... No this IS AWESOME, I feel awesome!
Most importantly, I'm happy.
Do keep my little sister in your prayers, she was hurt in a car accident yesterday and is still not feeling well. And of course keep my family who lost their home in there as well.
Thanks and God Bless!
Holley


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Hell ain't no Home

I can't fly away
I can't hide away from this hell I call my home
I want be free so free
Travel lands unknown
I'm stuck right here
Yes I'm stuck right here
In this hell I call home
In the vast lands I want to roam
Away from pain
Away from my pill bottles
Damnit I wanna go full throttle!
Ive gotta get out of this hell
I've gotta get out of this home
For this is no place for me to be
I've got to be free
I've got to roam lands, sights, beauties unknown.
E can't have me, yet I'm pinned to the floor
I don't want to be stuck here anymore!
I'm stuck right, yes I'm stuck right here, in this hell I call home.
H.Reese ©2013

No one knows

No one will ever know
Could ever grasp
My worries and fears.
They are real, they haunt, taunt, and they will not go away until
This electric noise in my brain is put to rest.
So give me the tests, poke and prod, I will do anything
Just fix me
Fix everything.
I want to live a normal life
Without worry. With out fears.
Make my fears become my yesteryears.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Roll Tide

National Championship... And poor AnnaBelle doesn't know what to think about all this yelling at the tv.
She thought they were telling her to " go,go,go!" haha... She's all like, " ok ok shit, where am I going? Why are you yelling? I'm so confused"
So she's pretty much glued to my lap right now.
Her momma isn't yelling because her momma feels like crap tenfold. I have this stuffy nose, coughing, congestion, tummy-jacked-upness, oh there is a name for that... Dur Dur Dur... Da flu.
Yes, I am rockin the flu with a house full of people no there is no quiet up in hur. But hey, they don't have a home anymore due to the Christmas tornado gifting them by destroying their house. How nice of that tornado.
This flu buggy blows! Ah but anyway I'm gonna sit here and laugh at my Auburn fan sister bug the stew out of my mom. She's teasing mom by yelling touchdown. And mom is cleaning kitchen so she isn't looking... "interception"... She is on crack. No really actually I think my mom dropped her on her head. But in a good way!
Ciao for now peeps!
ROLL TIDE!!!
Holley



Alabama won the National Championship!!!! Woot woot! Sweet Home Alabama... ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Come into the Light


Come into the Light

To some, they consume the bottle.
Others, the bottle consumes them.
Then, there is a few who even drown themselves in it.

To hide pain, wash away sorrows, cleanse their sins away just for the day, only to return when the drug wears off.
Kinda like the movie groundhog day, they re-live this over and over.
In the process, while intoxicated they do certain things that have an affect on those around them. They ruin relationship after relationship, and their life sees no improvment only a lonely soul standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall into an abyss.
So, what do they typically do to rectify this, buy more toxins to wash all that pain away again.

Afraid to face the past, afraid to move forward, afraid to let go of an addiction.
Afraid to actually be a better person.

Life is so short to be drowned by an affliction.

Come out of the dark to see the light,

Come out of your own hell to find the love that will overwhelm

There is a life boat awaiting you, no need to drown in your sorrows, for God always offers us a brand new morrow.

There is a light called hope, and it wants to shine for you. You must come out of the dark, step into the light of the Lord that loves you so, to see all the love and support we are willing and ready to show. The only words you must say, " I want help", and help will be there with open arms.

Come out of the dark, the light of a brand new day awaits you.

H.Reese©2012





Sick and Tired

After months of research, reading medical journals, my epileptologist has finally narrowed it down to two hospitals and even went as far to send them my information, UCLA and John Hopkins. You can pretty much guess which one I want!!! The number one hospital in the country! John Hopkins!!!
So this next poem is about all the crap I've been put through. Poetry is one way of therapy that I get my release. I also am an artist, i have a full house right now due to my family losing their home to the Christmas Day tornado, so it has been a we bit chaotic.
Have a blessed day!



A lot on my mind
Feel like I'm losing time
Like sand going through your fingers
All I can do is sit and wait
I anticipate
I dread the inevitable
I need to get this off my mind.
I need to occupy my time.
I can't stand the look, the annoyance.
The feeling as if this whole ordeal is an inconvience
But I'm a caged bird sitting here alone with my thoughts
My thoughts that haunt and taunt me like the bully on the play ground telling me, "You're gonna get it" as he sticks out his tongue.
I want to beat the shit out of that bully.
I can't sleep, my stomach is a wreck, my thoughts are haunted throughout the day and the night.
I want to get the hell up and fight. I'm Angry and pissed off bc I don't want to feel defeated!
I want to soar and be free like a butterfly. Oh God, set me free from my captivity. I'm so lost, so lonely, I'm scared, and I just want to not be let down. In the back of my mind I feel as if I will be let down. So many doctors, all the new medications i tried that failed, all the tests, the procedures, all my life only to constantly be let down. To be defeated. I'm tired of that pain, I want to be the butterfly who is free and beautiful amongst all the pretty flowers. I want to be set free of this thing that has had me pinned down to the ground for the majority of my life. Causing pain, heartache,strife. I pray that this will finally work out in my favor.
I want a new me, a girl not drugged, who does not have to constantly fear a seizure.
Where will it be, how bad, will I get hurt, will I hurt others, when will it strike, oh please not in public, don't let me fall that's gonna hurt, don't let my head go into the pillow.. Please don't let my face go into the pillow, not in the tub oh god don't let me drown, will my friends know what to do- please give them comfort I can't have them freaking out, please don't let them call 911- I will be pissed if they call 911, will I be alone, will it be the big one- I hope it's not the big one.. I don't want to be blind .. I don't like being paralyzed and it lasts for so long with no one understanding me when all I want is the comfort of the feel of someone I love's hand letting me know I'm ok. Please take this everyday worry from me. I've lived with it long enough. It's taken it's toll on me, I don't want it anymore. Can I be strong enough for one more let down?
I am so afraid of that dark place when you get the news, "there's nothing more we can do for you", so I just ask that I'm a candidate to be sliced and diced and free of this horrible dream, this thing they call, Epilepsy.





Good Night June

As I sit on my porch this hot summer night
With the buzz of the fan that's blowing a cool breeze on my skin,
I sit and listen to all the sounds of nature that surround me.
The frogs in the creek sing to me and the cicada's chime in on a lovely harmony, the crickets come in with their high pitch tweets, and somewhere in the distance I can hear the song of a bird. I like to think they are singing for me, it makes me happy to think this way.
Out of the blue a June bug flies by sporadically flapping its wings, such a spastic little bug.
They always make me laugh as they run into things, I feel their clumsy pain.
I am surrounded by trees, even though I live in the city.
And sounds of motorcycles, fly by on the busy streets nearby. A train is coming down the track, and it's right on time. That conductor laying on his horn.It's so close you can feel the vibrations of the train passing by.
And as it leaves I take a look around me, and what do I see?
It's the moon, playing peek-a-boo through the trees. Playing peek-a-boo with me?
The moon has always called to me. I feel a sense of calm.
My world has been filled with many emotions lately but right here in this moment, I am free of all of that anxiety. I am safe. I am one with all of God's creatures and their beautiful melodies soothe me.
I have clarity in this moment, I know that all is right with my world, and I am going to be ok.
I can breathe...inhale, exhale. Ahh what a lovely gift.
Thank you, God for this moment, my life, my peace of mind, thank you for creating all the things in nature that bring me home to you.
I think I can sleep with peace now.
Good night my lil lullaby friends, good night to this summer night, and goodnight to my ever so faithful moon. We will meet again, my friend, real soon.
Good night, June.
H. Reese
©2012



Set Me Free

I'm ready to fly, spread my wings..
But this thing has a hold over me and I cannot be released from its grasp.
It brings me down, knocking my limbs around two seconds later a crash is heard, and I'm laying on the ground.
Now battered and bruised,
Disoriented and confused,
Heartbroken and so abused.
There is nothing I can do.
I just want to be free
Wanna spread my wings
Please release this grasp on me
Let go of me epilepsy
Let me fly into the moonlit skies
Let me tell you goodbye.
H.Reese
©2012

Turning

I'm falling
My world spinning out of control
I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I cant stop it now
Confusion,delusion, I wish it were all an illusion.

When my world started spinning out of control
Feeling as if there was nothing I could hold
I put my feet back on the ground
I turned it all around

When I fall and hit the ground
I get up, I see it through
No one is needed, not you
I will see this through

I'll get by
I'll survive, this is my storm.

And yet I ask
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
Will this madness ever come to an end?

Don't worry about me
I'll be fine
I found myself in my own underground world
Where I fell, i spiraled, I swirled, I hit the ground
But in the end it was my own strength that I found

I get up. I find things to stand up for and so much more. I advocate and educate.

This is my life be as it may
I have found my own way...
To survive.
I will survive this battle of mine.

H.Reese 2012©


Falling to my survival

I'm falling
My world spinning out of control
I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I cant stop it now
Confusion,delusion, I wish it were all an illusion.

When my world started spinning out of control
Feeling as if there was nothing I could hold
I put my feet back on the ground
I turned it all around

When I fall and hit the ground
I get up, I see it through
No one is needed, not you
I will see this through

I'll get by
I'll survive, this is my storm.

And yet I ask
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
Will this madness ever come to an end?

Don't worry about me
I'll be fine
I found myself in my own underground world
Where I fell, i spiraled, I swirled, I hit the ground
But in the end it was my own strength that I found

I get up. I find things to stand up for and so much more. I advocate and educate.

This is my life be as it may
I have found my own way...
To survive.
I will survive this battle of mine.

H.Reese 2012©


Fighting Seizure Demons

Alone I walk along this path
Only I can enter
I have to face seizure demons
And all night I've been under attack
They knock me down,
Make me fall.
I am hurt as I'm slammed against a wall.
Thrust upon the floor
I CAN'T TAKE THIS
ANYMORE!
Get me out of this hell
What have I done to deserve such pain
Why must I endure this with
Such force?
The electricity, the neurons its my brain I remorse!
With such an equivalent force!
I pray you are resected, thrown away, for you are not respected.

So this animosity between us
Can be over, done, through!
I DESPISE YOU!
No one understands this hatred I have towards you
They don't know what it's like
To fight the battles I fight
So many battles you bring
You can't just be the seizure, you have to bring your friends too.
Mr. Abusive, Lil Miss confusion, Sir delusions, Mr. beat down, lil miss I bring bruises, so sore, so much more.
I try with all my might
But in the end it feels like you and your friends will win this fight
But tomorrow I will begin a new day, a new fight
I am ready for the light...
The light of hope
Shine down on me from up above
Shine your light of love
Guide me God, help me fight.
Just for one more bad brain night.
H.Reese ©2012

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Answered Prayers

Jan.4,2013


Prayers
Answered
Two years ago today my mom started living a sober life, ever since I have had a clean and sober mom. Considering that earlier that May/June we put dad into a nursing home for alcohol-related dementia.
His brain damage was all over, meaning he would never come back to us as a lucid father. He knows who I am, he's happy and content, even extremely well taken care for; but I will never have my daddy back the way he was meant to be. The daddy I talked to everyday on the phone. The man who has taught me so many of life's lessons, to which I'm so grateful for. But to think I could have lost both parents to the same disease, the disease that affects so many Americans& their families... Leaves me very grateful for the fact that my mother has done this for herself. That she wanted that change and wanted to better her life.
Alcoholism is a scary addiction, I've seen it affect so many loved ones. So many loved ones being hurt by the affects of their loved ones having it. And the worst is the loss due to the disease itself.

Here in the United States it is estimated that 10% of men and 3% of women struggle with alcohol addiction problems. A majority of alcoholics suffer great emotional and physical problems due to their drinking but continue to use alcohol. They develop problems in their personal lives with those who love them, problems with employers who become fed up with their deteriorating work performance and problems with their education due to skipped classes or failed exams. Physically, there are countless health problems that alcohol addiction causes. The most well-known include alcoholic dementia, increased chance of cancer, nutritional deficiencies, cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, polyneuropathy, heart disease, sexual dysfunction, and death.

My dad was found with pneumonia, malnourished, cirrhosis, and alcohol related dementia. We were told he could never live on his own ever again, that this is the way his mind would be for the rest of his life.
This was the most heartbreaking news a daddy's little girl could hear.
Sure my dad is safe, happy, content, and well cared for. But mentally he is not there. My dad was so intelligent, just a sharp and witty guy. He was the apple of my eye.
To lose him this was never gets any easier and it never will, because my daddy and I had such a strong bond, he was both my father and my friend. And I will always miss the man he was. He had gone 13 years of sobriety his birthday of sobriety was on my birthday. How amazing and such an honor to share that. But after he got married to a woman who drank infront of him everyday, had 5 children, and spent money like it grew on trees, as well as my brother having cancer; dad slipped. He started drinking, got divorced, lost his home. A home he built, we cleared that property together, and it was beautiful. Right off the Tensaw, gullys, a stream that ran through the back of the house that would just relax you like a spa, swamp in the back of the eight acres he owned. Big boulders you could sit on off to the right overlooking a gully that had the same stream running to the Tensaw. Deer would come right up to the house, wild turkeys too! And they were used to us, so they wouldn't run off.
Losing this land, this house, his love, drove him to drink more heavily. He lost his job, he ended up losing everything. He had been gone 5 days lost, looking for his house, he had ataxia and was going through dt's while driving, the Sheriff thought he was drunk. But he wasn't so on memorial day weekend my exhusband and brother went to pick up my dad, he fell while under the care of the sheriffs dept. and protocol is to send them to the hospital. It was then we received all the bad news at once. We had to find a place that would take a 58 yr old male who was a flight risk and fall risk who was also an alcoholic. After calling almost every place in Mobile and Baldwin County we finally found a place in Robertsdale who could take him. They just love him! He is still a funny guy, and he helps take care of the other patients. This was a Godsend.
But it still doesn't give me my dad back and I have to accept that he is never coming back to us. As long as he is here is good enough, but not easy.
This is one grandeur way that alcohol has affected my life. The other would be my mom. It kept our relationship estranged at times, and tension was always sky high between us. Of course there is much more to this, but that is all behind us now. Now I not only have a newfound friend but a mother as well. One with the same sense of humor my dad had now that she's sober. So much good has come of this, more than could ever be expressed by words.
Today we rejoice and we thank God for saving our mom from that destructive path she was on. Today we thank God for being able to still have dad with us, no matter how far his mind is away from us and him. And we are very thankful on this special day, to have our mom back, happy and healthy.


Some statistics on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism:

. The American Drug Council Education estimates that between 10 and 15 million Americans
face alcohol addiction.
Also up to 4.5 million of these are teenagers. The likely hood of someone who drinks at an early age (such as teenage years) are more prone to face addiction later on in life.
••••••••••••••••••••••••
The World Health Organization (WHO) collects global statistics on the effects of alcohol addiction. These statistics indicate that alcoholism goes far beyond the borders of the United States:

•Almost 4 percent of deaths worldwide — 2.5 million people each year — can be attributed to alcohol abuse.
•Over 6 percent of deaths among males throughout the world are alcohol related.
•About 9 percent of deaths among people ages 15 through 29 are alcohol related.
•Most alcohol-related deaths are caused by liver disease, heart disease, cancer and accidental injuries.




😊•••So a big congratulations to my wonderful mom on her second year of sobriety.•••😊

HolleyπŸ’œ

Christmas Tornado

Christmas Tornado
December 25, 2012

On Christmas evening, after the family has gone, bellies are filled, good moments shared with loved ones, we sit and hear the sirens go off as the newscaster tells us we are under a tornado warning.
So we get into our safe place with my mom, sister, and all 3 doggies, Coco who is a peek-a-poo, Buddy, shih tzu, and AnnaBelle an imperial shih tzu - as well my seizure dog.
Not five minutes later we lost power, my brother who lives on the other side of town, still with power and telling my mom it's huge and heading straight towards midtown. He told us that if we were not already in our safe place to get there and stay there! Because they had just named two streets that were only a few blocks away, not far at all!!! Too close for comfort. He then tells us it's heading towards another part of midtown ( where we live).
By this time my aunt has tried to call my mom twice so she answers and can barely hear her but clearly knows she's upset, all she was able to get before being disconnected was, Help! The tornado is going through the house right now!
That She couldn't find the dogs, they wouldn't come
Mom went into hysterics, which is understandable, katie was just scared, I was scared yet calm. I told mom I wasn't going to let her go alone, wherever we go, we go together.
So we parked three streets down from her house, Dauphin Street was unrecognizable, trees down, a woman in a car trapped by a tree that had fallen on her car, she was fine just traumatized. The front of Trinity Episciple Church completely blown out. Rooftops gone, houses I've seen a million times were just sticks, I couldn't tell where I was. We were going through backyards climbing over trees, with dogs in our hands( Annabelle was in her papoose), carefully jumping over power lines, when it seemed like hours I recognized her house, what was left of it. We had to be carried over power lines and a wall by firemen... I totally did not mind this- lol!-
Finally we see my cousin, he tells us his mom is ok. But it was one of those I want to see for myself type thing. That's when my emotions came tumbling through the wall I had built up, when my calm turned into an emotional rollercoaster.
I turned the corner from the side of the house and watched as my mom ran to her sister and just embraced her with grateful love, thanking God for sparing her and the doggies. I then realized too that I was crying, as I walked up to her looking her over to see if she was ok, just I guess had to see with my own two eyes, my aunt before me. I then gave her the biggest hug and kissed her cheek, I told her I loved her then I went to see about my cousins. They were in shock. The back of the house fell on my cousin, Hays's Mercedes, that he worked so hard to get. And Martin lived upstairs which was completely gone, if he would have been up there he would be gone.
Martin and my uncle were on their way back from Martins office and could see it, they could hear on the radio that it was going toward Dauphin and Carlen, their house is on the corner of those two streets. Martin made his dad call her to let her know but it was too late. He though she was being dramatic but she really wasn't, eh? I'd say not.
Hays and his girlfriend, Tara, had just left 5 minutes before to check on her dog. Aunt Anne called him as well and told him to get back that the tornado was going through the house, and Lola and Toby wouldn't come when she called them.
She was going to the basement but had to go down the hallway to get a flashlight that uncle Hays had just given them that day, and that was when the front doors burst open! So she darted into the hallway bathroom and didn't even have time to shut the door. She said she thought she was gone she could hear the house crumbling, glass breaking, the bricks hitting and just crumbling, but it was when she realized the roof was going when she felt it was all over for her. But you see there was an angel watching over her that Christmas night.
Maybe like the birth of Jesus, this was a calling for her rebirth to a different way of living. For a new begining, a clean slate.
It's such a wonderful, priceless beautiful gift to be given a new life. But it's all how you look at it.
You have to look beyond what was lost, and see the miracle of what had been saved.
To be saved from your own sort of prison so to speak.
It's a gift not to be overlooked.
In the process of the storm I lost some medicine that I haphazardly threw in my purse at the last minute. I thought would be ok because I had a back up at home. But with this tornado being so unpredictable and with the circumstances, I had no idea when I'd be home again, or what my home would be like. I also carried my important papers with me. You never know.
So I lost two one being an epileptic medication. Trying to get through, trying to leave message after message for the nurse to call me back before I ran out of my back up was like pulling teeth! Finally I got a call yesterday afternoon she said she had to wait for my doctor to get back from vacation to approve it. What abt the other doctors, they couldn't look at my chart and see this was clearly something I took.
Turns out that even after the two phone calls from my nurse saying she has taken care of it, that it had been called into my pharmacy. My luck, my luck.. What damn luck? No call was made apparently, so I was with out one of my meds, which means one thing: seizures!!!!
Stay tuned for bitchfest 2013, when I call my doctors office.

H.REESE ©2013