I know I've been slacking on my blog, but I'm back!
Way too much crap has happened to type in one entry. So we will get to the heavy shit later.
This may include a bit of heavy, but it's nothing new. My brother recently got some pretty bad news, he has cancer of the GI tract and at the same time I had my relapse with the E, he had surgery. Leaving him with two microscopic tumors that his medicine should of shrunk. He felt fine, was doing great, he's a jack of all trades and can do nearly anything, he lives in a trailer that look better that some of these upscale homes all because of his hands and that beautiful brain of his. He always sees room for improvement, always has a project in his head. And his kids, you would pay to have kids like his.
So for his cancer to spread, for his gastro intestinal region to be filled with tumors has hit me hard.
You see I love my big brother, I have always looked up to him, but somewhere down the line there has become a riff between us. I know I am different, we are like oil and water, but at one time in our lives he was my best friend. And I was the only girl allowed in the neighborhood fort... That I helped build and was the coolest fort ever! He taught me how to ride a bike, gave me his Tony Hawk skate board, when he got his Lance Mountain. Even went with me to get my neon pink wheels, and approved of my new hair cut after mom took me, told me it was a totally skater cut. ( made this girl fly up to cloud 9,999,999,999 ... You get my point. He was and has always been my world.
But the past two times I saw him he didn't speak to me, in fact once he gave my sister a hug right in front of me then stuck out his hand like some immature ass. Is it bc we have always been close and this is just as hard for him to? I don't know but it hurts.
When Nic Cage came in town to film a movie with Danny Glover, I got pics with him, he had epilepsy and Hugh knew how I'd always wanted to meet him. I was excited. So, at exactly 8:41pm I sent him the pics, the next morning I got torn a new one because he didn't get them until a Lil after midnight waking up his wife.I can't do anything about them coming at 12. I'm sry y'all were awoken by that but what am i to do?
Well he kept on just reeming my ass out, until I couldn't take it any longer. I said my peace. Of course he told mom a different story so my side never was heard,he was right and I was wrong. He hasn't spoken to me since.
My mom sucks a fat (d---)!!!
Too dramatic for me!
So that brings me back to today. When I need therapy, I either write or I paint, well after having to hold my emotions in bc God forbid I let them go at any given time. Mom will nip that in the bud. I got my canvas slammed my doors pulled out my bins got my brush box( yup got a personalized brush box) and I went to town. Of course my door was reopened by my sister bc I have a window unit that goes straight into her room. Well take the fucker out and put it in your window instead of making my room, which is the size of a walk in closet, a full sized bed barely fits in, needless to say this bitch is cramped! Poor AnnaBelle just wanted to hang out with her mom and I was in the way of her crate. So not only did katie have to adjust the air but move AnnaBelle for me.
Here's the thing and my sister gets it, she said," its gonna be ok, I know that's why your painting", I told her I just couldn't go there but thanks for realizing that and understanding, means a lot.
My mom does not get that when I paint, I'm in my zone, in a whole different dimension, I do not stop in midst of painting ( I'm typically covered up to elbows, unknowingly) I'm sure she'd love cerulean blue on her white couches.
Secondly, it's inconsiderate to disrupt an artist at work, when you have some idea going, another pops up and this happens repetively...( wheels are turning). This is a great day for artists to keep that flow going. I don't want to be disturbed! The main reason I started painting is to deal with my emotions, wanna know the crazy thing? I was going for a textured abstract and saw an angel. I guess in a cosmic or God winkin kind of way that is a sign. A sign of HOPE.
So my painting came out better than I thought it would, maybe because the tears spilled on it gave it that extra umph haha.
Here's another weird Lil fact: when my brother was first diagnosed we saw a miracle. We thought cancer had my brother and had him good. Well the surgeon wanted to do an exploratory surgery to see without a scan if these tumors had shrunk. We were promised nothing, only they were just going to open him up for a look.
44 minutes later Dr. Thompson came out with this shit eatin grin and said to his wife mainly " well we got them and are sending them to MD Anderson" my sister in law I have rarely seen cry! But she had tears running down her face and quizzically asks,"all of them? All 15- to -16 tumors?" he replied," we sent 20 tumors to MD Anderson. My Daddy who I rarely have seen cry, shit, everyone in that room was crying then all you could hear we're Amens and thank you'd and hugs all around, if I would describe euphoria, it'd be that day.
Then I'm walkin into Lowes I get a phone call( from my brother) I wait before I walk in and I hear well your gonna be an aunt again... I think everyone turned to look when I said" hot Dayumn! A miracle baby. Tripp ( Thomas Hugh Reese Iii) was 3 months old when Hugh called, I had been painting and just finished a painting lesson, he was building a deck. I painted in tears what I call my angry painting. Weird thing is, everyone is drawn to it, when I despise it.
But his kids, Tripp especially.. That's his Lil tag along mini me. They are so cute, when my brother mows the lawn on his riding lawn mower Tripp follows on his little kiddie 4-wheeler! It's a riot. He says and can imitate my brother better than I can, or any of his other sons, we are quite amazed. He has 4 boys, one from high school, Brandon who just turned 20 not long ago, Daniel who just became a teenager-13, Aaron who is 10, and Tripp who is 4 going on 30. Haha!
I live my nephews, I live my brother, but I hate cancer when I was 14 mom had it, my sister was 2, I'm gonna make a great mom one day, lol I wouldn't take that back for the world, the cancer, sure, but being as close as I was with Katie
Then my Daddy got it, he hid it from me all through my wedding preparations and thru the wedding on the second to last day of our honeymoon we got back ( because we left our phones duh) and both were blown up with phone calls and messages. I hate voice mail so I had deactivated mine but his was jam packed. It was made out to be like an emergency that dad had been in some serious thing. So all the worst senarios run thru your head.
Did it have to be so urgent? No. So dramatic,.,, omg hell no! Did I have to get hit with a double whammy? By her telling me one of my dearest cousins had died as well.
It's been a rough ride with the big C, I've lost a dear, good friend to this monster. She had stage 4 EHE, a rare form, but lived years longer than what they gave her.
I lost another friend who not only had epilepsy but stage 4 of the same type of cancer my brother has. She said she would rather have the cancer any day over epilepsy. That just baffled me!
This girl lived everyday as if it were her last, she lived life to the extreme fullest and did not let her afflictions get the best of her.
In the end, life is too short to be unhappy. You have to find what makes you happy and do it. You have to forget your past, it is now in the history book of you, don't look forward for what lays ahead is meant to be unknow, if we live in the past or constantly look ahead, we are missing the right now. Big things could be happening in the right now.
So live life for today, for this moment. Walk away from reading this blog and feel blessed because you and I know that their is so much more to my story, but God knows my strength and gives me only what I can handle.
God Bless you all!
💜- Holley
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