Sick and Tired

After months of research, reading medical journals, my epileptologist has finally narrowed it down to two hospitals and even went as far to send them my information, UCLA and John Hopkins. You can pretty much guess which one I want!!! The number one hospital in the country! John Hopkins!!!
So this next poem is about all the crap I've been put through. Poetry is one way of therapy that I get my release. I also am an artist, i have a full house right now due to my family losing their home to the Christmas Day tornado, so it has been a we bit chaotic.
Have a blessed day!



A lot on my mind
Feel like I'm losing time
Like sand going through your fingers
All I can do is sit and wait
I anticipate
I dread the inevitable
I need to get this off my mind.
I need to occupy my time.
I can't stand the look, the annoyance.
The feeling as if this whole ordeal is an inconvience
But I'm a caged bird sitting here alone with my thoughts
My thoughts that haunt and taunt me like the bully on the play ground telling me, "You're gonna get it" as he sticks out his tongue.
I want to beat the shit out of that bully.
I can't sleep, my stomach is a wreck, my thoughts are haunted throughout the day and the night.
I want to get the hell up and fight. I'm Angry and pissed off bc I don't want to feel defeated!
I want to soar and be free like a butterfly. Oh God, set me free from my captivity. I'm so lost, so lonely, I'm scared, and I just want to not be let down. In the back of my mind I feel as if I will be let down. So many doctors, all the new medications i tried that failed, all the tests, the procedures, all my life only to constantly be let down. To be defeated. I'm tired of that pain, I want to be the butterfly who is free and beautiful amongst all the pretty flowers. I want to be set free of this thing that has had me pinned down to the ground for the majority of my life. Causing pain, heartache,strife. I pray that this will finally work out in my favor.
I want a new me, a girl not drugged, who does not have to constantly fear a seizure.
Where will it be, how bad, will I get hurt, will I hurt others, when will it strike, oh please not in public, don't let me fall that's gonna hurt, don't let my head go into the pillow.. Please don't let my face go into the pillow, not in the tub oh god don't let me drown, will my friends know what to do- please give them comfort I can't have them freaking out, please don't let them call 911- I will be pissed if they call 911, will I be alone, will it be the big one- I hope it's not the big one.. I don't want to be blind .. I don't like being paralyzed and it lasts for so long with no one understanding me when all I want is the comfort of the feel of someone I love's hand letting me know I'm ok. Please take this everyday worry from me. I've lived with it long enough. It's taken it's toll on me, I don't want it anymore. Can I be strong enough for one more let down?
I am so afraid of that dark place when you get the news, "there's nothing more we can do for you", so I just ask that I'm a candidate to be sliced and diced and free of this horrible dream, this thing they call, Epilepsy.